Sumhow I have always knew through psychologically human's memory is a widespread of an intriguing technology complicated then any other technology devices.. Memory stored is infinite and codes down various types of situation, plus more den 5 senses are working the same time including things that provokes our memory to arise. Such as now what deeply reminds my time spent in being in love yet in silent moments was the hot aroma of the hazelnut old town coffee. Everytime I drink, the taste of it brought me back to the times right exactly where we were, brought back the moment in time. It is hard to explain as I am most sensitive person towards senses and emotions.
Yesterday I stopped by SP Tesco, however my mind was telling me to avoid lookin at the KFC or Old Town coffee shop because it will only made me see how my dearest Nana spent her kopi time there or even grumble at me and papa whn she was still... alive... Places where she went with us and time spent brought back a lot memories to me evev a few seconds of flashes goes a longway deeply pierced right into my heart, it felt heavy in my heart and painful to breath.
I passed by old streets, or any mall all I can do was remembering to see her there and then waiting for me and Papa patiently with a hot Milo as when she aged she cant follow us that much walking around but I will walk with her slowly no matter it is inch by inch or cm by cm I held her hand and prevent her to lope sided ways (that was when an early symptom of stroke I should have realised T__T..sigh *tears* missing Nana) ...Still remember the warmth of her hand, the grip of her fingers and the veins and marks that has developed on her hands and fingers over time. I can remember every inch of her skin on hands and her face which I am an art person I stored all my images so damn well It just hits me in the heart feeling sore bleeding tearing and hurts, especially for the person I love like Nana...very very well everything about her.. T_T sigh.
It hurts so bad to see her in my imagination my Nana is sitting in the food stall with a hot cuppa Milo or Kopi waiting for me after I bought my things but this time it is entirely different...her image is only there waiting but I never step into that McD or KFC or held up her hand again to bring her to my car and driver her home together... Her image of sitting there just stood still clearly whenever I pass those waiting places she never have to go back with me anymore, the time is always there and cruelly ignore me. She seems real but in seconds her image was blown softly off away from me and I cant hold my Nana's hand, nor even to get her attention to greet her... no more of that... All I can call her name is when my visits at her memorial place in Heong Giam See Temple. *Tears streaking down more missing of Nana* I dont wish i have any love nor memories sometimes with painful heart experiences but i am a person to love and be loved. I tried hard but failed. I can see more and more challenges of these coming my way which I am kinda worry a little but I will be brave to face it because love is what I chose and I should not back away from it...
LOVE opposites of the pain is Pain to me. Some said it is hate but hate seems to be more of a friend to jealousy. I chose Pain as the opposite den hate because hate has not mush of a meaning to me not worth my time at all.
I just cant accept it when reality hits.. or whenever I used the Hiru Scar gel the smell of it is pleasant becum suck cuz it provokes my sad days living with the worms and krocroaches in Sabah in Sipitang. But it bcums a worthwhile memory whn its sweet in de end at heart whn dat my good buddie froggie image appears in my mind to calm me down and givng me support at all times in Sabah.
All senses..colours, images, similar taste, smell, touch, or familiar voice, feelings or parfume, or places many many more makes me who i am a person with a heart and full of memories..i wish i can record as much as i can before I might hv alzheimer when i get older..I wana remember to feel, to love and to cherish as human as long as I live in this world with my Love ones, I used to have 5 all together but Nana & Yeye had went off. I oly left 3 most important souls I love in my life.
If I could choose I will choose back the same person to love for many lifetimes. and to be the same old me which sounds like immortal. Sometimes this is the reason that makes me unhappy why we need to learn and go through all these with the deepest mystery no universe can show us why? Sigh let the puzzle solves itself till my final breath but in the meantime now I can love you Froggie as long as we live. How I wish the same thing as yours we have started a live we want in our early 20s. Time is getting too fast now after past 25.
I am an emotional sensitive person and hearts can be moved yet strong in my own principles and thats me. YET..da down side, I rarely show it and I knew I duno how to show it when I requested the photographer to flash me da mirror to see how I should smile before taking my passport photo. I know I am born quiet and scary in my emotionless face plus im a very famous introvert, yet extrovert whenever I want to be. No one can really judge who I am really and my appearance are total exact of opposite of my heart. Like I say..human is more complicated den any hightech devices only.
I dare and brave to choose LOVE but afraid at the same time to face hurt deeply in my heart and soul but I do not have the Heart to just leave LOVE all alone. LOVE should be one of the quest in life <3
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